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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in healing community for self-injurers with EDs' LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 31st, 2008
12:27 pm
Eating disorder bloggers wanted for survey
I am a current graduate student researching the social history of food-related disorders, inspired, in large part, from my own struggles with anorexia and bulimia.  I'm conducting an anonymous survey of bloggers who blog about eating disorders or eating disorder recovery in partnership with a clinical psychologist for joint research and publication purposes.

I'm hoping our survey generates lots of responses so that our findings are well-rounded, inclusive and convincing.  The only two requirements are that you must have an active blog and that it must address, at least in part, your experiences with an eating disorder.  I'm hoping for responses from people of all ages and genders who are in all stages of recovery and who suffer from a diversity of eating disorders, from anorexia to binge eating disorder to ed-nos to orthorexia. 

If the scope of the study pertains to your own experiences, I invite you to participate by taking it.  More information and a survey link can be found here or http://the-f-word.org/blog/index.php/2008/03/23/eating-disordered-bloggers-wanted-for-survey/

Thank you!

Rachel Richardson
Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
11:06 pm

Under the link is a survey I have made about SI in order for research purposes. Moderators, if this is unallowed, please feel free to delete this post. Surveyors, some topics in the survey may be triggering and uncomfortable, please read the disclaimer before you continue. Thank you for your time.

Disclaimer: this survey is on a strict volunteer basis where anonamosity is respected. There are topics in this survey that people may find triggering or uncomfortable, if you wish to continue this survey please feel free to skip any answers you do not wish to answer. Above all, I ask that you answer honestly in the hope that these results can help others. Those who fill out this survey are encouraged to elaborate on their answers to provide additional information.

Please email all completed surveys to dancinginthedarkness@hotmail.com
Feel free to email questions, comments and complaints
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
2:24 pm
Hi darlings,

I'm new here.

I need your help! I'm doing a persuasive speech in class about encouraging anas to eat. (how hillarious!)

Any ideas??

Monday, February 28th, 2005
1:33 am
intro: .001 exposted
Hello, I am 19 and just recently, i've fallen back into old habits.
I was sober [mostly] for almost 3 years.
It would have been 3 years this july.
Anyway, I had to make a new journal, because my roomate likes to snoop and read other people's business.
though my other one was friends only, jsut beign a member of these communities would raise too many questions.

anyway, here's some background info on me, put behind an LJ cut to be considerate:
P.S. I don't have any friends with this name, because it's sort of an alter ego, so feel free to ADD ME! :)
♥ starr
I was told to be smiles and bright eyed happiness, but sometimes I can't find anything to laugh at.Collapse )
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
5:19 pm
hey, im a new here but thought it would be pretty much perfect for me. im 15 and ive been an on and off self harmer for a few years but in the past about 6 months ive become bulimic as well although i dont actually eat alot anyway other than the binges. i do want to stop it but im finding it really difficult, i dont want to loose weight either its more a kind of si problem i guess because thats the main reason i do it.

thanks for listening

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
1:20 am
I'm the newbie...
Hey everyone. I'm Emma. I'm not quite sure I fit in here, but I suppose I will find out. I am a self-injurer. I cut and burn, but I have pretty much recovered from my eating disorder. I was a compulsive eater/bulimic for nearly a year. I was never diagnosed, but it's pretty hard not to know when you're bulimic. I still purge sometimes, but more as a form of SI. Anyways, I just wanted to introduce myself. Thanks for reading...

Current Mood: ...
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
3:26 pm
I thought I should say something since I'm new...
I'm Savannah, 22, a cutter, and ed-nos.
I've been ed-nos for a little over two years now, but I've been a cutter for almost 10.
I started out cutting to make myself feel better about my weight, like somehow I could bleed the fat off me or something. And now its developed to where if I don't like how I'm eating or I eat too much I'll cut to ease the guilt.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want it to get any worse.
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
4:58 am
Thursday, June 10th, 2004
12:47 pm
Please post up your history.
Pretty - and oddly enough nothing like meI thought it might be nice if we posted up our histories of how we came to be where we are now. It might just be interesting to see how much common ground most of us have. Please post these details either in a new message if you are a member of ANA ANGELS - or else pop it in the free-for-all BUDDY LIST.

Do you have a GENETIC PREDISPOSITION? Do ED's run in your family?
Did you have a stereotypical 'anorexic family' growing up? That is negative, where parents were interfering and overprotective and where expectations were unusually high to achieve and succeed? Did you avoid conflict with your family? One parent overbearing while the other was quite passive? Family rules so strong it was difficult to express your individuality?
Were you subjected to abuse - whether of a sexual, physical or emotional nature?
Did your ED start due to adolescent crisis?Were you stopped from taking risks at this age and was your homelife unstable at this time?
Did it start out as a desire to conform to the social desire to be slim?
Was it a part of searching for autonomy?
Did you inherit low self esteem from parents who feel that way about themselves?
Did it start around the time of a period of separation or loss?

Just thought it would be nice to share. I fall into almost every category and it's actually of some kind of comfort to know I'm just a textbook anorexic as opposed to being the freak I always felt like growing up. The person is inside my head, that is me. But 'the body' I am trapped in just makes me sick.
Monday, June 7th, 2004
12:19 pm
Hi - please join Ana-Angels
My new community is open at ANA ANGELS COMMUNITY where we welcome members with depression, any ed, ocd, and more. I could do with the support right now, so if you write your own journal please join up and become a friend of Ana-Angels. This is the LiveJournal version of the former website, so please support us, the forum is already up, as is the buddy list - I will try to make it as interactive as possible, plus it will be a great place to share help and advice.
Saturday, April 10th, 2004
11:12 pm
So, here i am again, with the knife, in my hand. The bottle of pills, staring me in the eyes. I just want to cry myself to death. Nothing in this world is worth this much pain, because in the end everything will leave me. Im just a eterenally lost soul. Who will never find a home good enough. Whats the point. No one ever tells me. Or they just dont want to waste my time, they could be out being happy, like normal people. I am nothing. I am ugly. I am fat. I have scars. I bleed. I am filled with so much love but more with hate. And people use me and walk all over me. I dont deserve this. I dont deserve to be suffering in this world. So from this point on. IM DEAD. I willl never feel again, unless by miracle something awakens my spirit. I bid you farewell, even though i know i am not on anyones mind as a write, and no one will bother commenting on this entry, even if anyone does read this, which is very unlikly. With blood running down my wrists, and thighs, i say goodbye.
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
9:08 pm
Hey, My names Amanda. I guess since im new, i should tell about myself. Since i was young i new i was gay, thats when everything started. I met this girl, who i thought i was in love with, little did i know she would ruin my life. I gave up my world to her, my relationship with my family, my school work, anything to be with her. WHen i didnt see her i cut, did drugs, and starved myself. I lost so much weight when i was in the relationship. I made a promise to myself i would kill myself when she broke up with me. Well she did, and here i am. I just got out of the psychiatric hospital because of my failed attempt. I do not talk to her anymore, though a day doesnt go by that i miss our once true love. She cheated on me. She used me. She taught me how to cut, snort, purge. She opened up my world of darkness and i am stuck, i want out so badly. but nothing seems to keep me from falling into the darkeness.

sitting here thinking of our lost time
thinking of the sleepless nights
when i didnt know if we would make it
wondering where u are
if ur making out with neone
hopeing that im making out with someone tonight
praying that when i get inside i wont run for the razor
hopeing that i can live without your presence in my head tonite
but tonight your there..
with me..
your there making me think of what i did wrong
how u said i never cared
how i know that all i ever did was care
its so hard to know that things will never that wonderful again
its hard to imagine life without you foever
i hope this doesnt last ne longer
i know youll come home someday
where u belong
in my heart
not in the ground, with the burnded pictures and notes, and things that you gave me
youll come home and be with me. like we were supposed to be.
screaming infidelities...together...again...pain...gone...peace. together. ForNever...
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
4:50 pm
Monday, January 5th, 2004
1:55 pm
new si community x-posted sry
hi everybody! there is a new self injury community and i would love it if you all joined! makes_me_feel go check out our info andcomment here is you want to join and the maintainer will ad you as soon as you do'
Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
10:48 pm
im new
hey, i'm kali and i'm 15.

i don't know how long i've been 'ana' but at 5'9" my lowest weight was 82 pounds until i went into recovery. now i'm back up to 120ish and hopefully i'll be back at 60 (or lower) soon.

i cut, too. i just started a couple months ago and when i figured out it could make me feel better... or something.

i dont know what to do anymore.

yeah thats my story. adios

Current Mood: sad
Friday, September 5th, 2003
1:54 am
I just joined this community .. and I feel out of place. Although yes, I do struggle with anorexia, Im a guy.. and I see nothing but females around me....

Im a white male, age 18.. I currently weigh 151lbs NOW... I was about 138 back in April/May .. so im really worried that i may go back to my highest weight, 172... i started loosing weight summer of 2002... did 30lbs that summer ... ive gotten worse and worse with food issues since and feel bad after i eat practically anything.. and now im 10lbs up from my low weight .. i dunno i feel bad.. and im a guy so i feel really gay about this (im straight heh) ... sorry... advice?

also into SI but thats another story..... thanks..
Saturday, May 31st, 2003
2:26 am
It's one of those quiet, silent days, where you just dont want to talk. And the clothes you put on earlier are uncomfortable, keeping you awake, from drooling on yourself. You'd rather be at home, asleep, cozy in a soft pile of blankets and pillows.
It feels like everything inside you is slow to register, like although the weather around you is clear, it isn't inside of your head.
The smells of people walking by in the halls adds to your feeling of being spaced. Perfume, cologne...
But it does overbear the smells of books and gymsweat - helping out in a small way - making you momentarily forget where you are.
It seems pointless, especially today. The halls...the classrooms. And a sigh escapes your closed mouth, loud in the tired silence of the enclosed area. Your mind drifts off to thoughts of which are fastly forgotten once you try to remember them again. You long to slouch in your plastic chair, maybe rest your head on the table until the next bell - but you don't. Instead you yawn, your eyes watering as though you'd began to cry. The necklace you have on seems to be getting tighter by the minute, and you have to fight the urge to rip it off and end the discomfort.
You stare at the clock on the plain wall, counting with the seconds-hand as it moves rhythmically. You try to look away, but your body doesn't respond.
Another yawn. Your jaw hurts this time, and you vow to yourself that you will sleep when you get home.
Out loud, you laugh at this thought. Home is hours away. Why are you daydreaming about what is so far away.
The music escaping from the stereo on the teacher's desk is barely audible, but it seems to lull you to sleep, and you struggle to keep your droopy eyelids open.
You need to do something, anything, to keep yourself occupied. You shuffle papers, your hands dry against it's grain.
The gum in your mouth, positioned idly between your teeth and left cheek, suddenly tastes sour. You chew on it for a couple seconds, but soon return it to it's place, bored with the repetitiveness of it.
Yes, it's one of those silent days. You don't feel like thinking, you don't even think you could unless you put all your effort into it. And as the bell finally rings out five minutes of freedom, your eyes blur and you blink several times, pushing away the exhaustion, and you stand from your seat.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, April 21st, 2003
2:11 pm

Gwen Stefani

So much for keeping up my food-abstinence... I dove right into waffles and milk this morning. I'm scared in a way. I don't want to do this to myself. I remember last year at this time, weighing only 90 pounds...but I felt better. I really did. More healthy. Even though I probably wasn't. But then instead of using depression as a time of starving myself, I used depression for excuses to stuff my face. And that's what I did. All the while dating him. I ate and ate and ate.
But even after he was gone....I couldn't get myself out of it. It was like quicksand. I was stuck. It was like breathing - it just happened for me to survive. Wake up, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, sleep [if I was so lucky]....repeat the next day.
And so I'm sitting here thinking. Why aren't I happy?
Well it's obvious. It's my weight. It's all my losses. I miss Gus. I miss Mojo. I miss Nick. I miss everyone. I miss Jesse. I miss myself. I miss who I can be around him.
And so I'm reduced to this. Sitting here, letting things pass me by. Waiting. Waiting for what?! Waiting for things to change? They won't. I'm not letting them.
I need a vehicle. I need to drive. I need to see a familiar face...a face that I can trust. The images in my tired mind aren't enough for me anymore.
I need that hug. The hug that he used to provide. A simple comfort for a simplistic girl with a confused head.

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
12:51 am
ok everyone, I need help! I'm going to tell my parent's I cut and I have no idea how to do it, ANY advice would be greatly appreciated. sorry for cross posting.
Monday, March 3rd, 2003
2:30 pm
The yelling had never ended, as much as you'd wanted it to. With each word they spoke, you'd felt your soul being torn into pieces. Pieces of the past.

You'd kept this secret for so long, but it got out. It was too strong to stay hidden, like a tiger that has to eventually be spotted hunting for food. Like you hunted for this.

Lies. They haunt you. They fill your dreams and cause the salty tears that fall and burn at your flesh.

And the memories. The memories of the past that flood your mind. They're always with you, like a thorn with a rose. But eventually, both you and the flower wither up and die.

The porch has creaked quietly that morning, as you stepped outside of your house. You'd slipped on a raggy pair of flip-flops, still fighting the voices in your head as you'd done the night before. Sleep only came to you as a treat every now and then, and capturing it hours earlier had been such a hard thing to do. But you were awake now. More awake than you'd been in days.

Goosebumps overtook your arm. It was a cold morning, and it's chill filled you.

When you finally arrived at the street, miles had been left behind. You now held your sandals, wincing in pain at the blisters that throbbed with a maddened red colour.

You scanned the area, looking for her, hoping your courage would stay with you. It was so hard for you. After all you two had been through, you'd had to get this over with. It was for the best. You told yourself that over and over in your head as you'd walked there. Why did it not seem to wantto make sense anymore?

You two had been friends ever since meeting that one day when your friends gathered people up to have a small picnic, something rarely done in the city. You'd never known anyone like her, and she'd never known anyone like you. The both of you had stared at one another for a long time that day, trying to understand the sensations in the pit of your stomachs. That was two years ago.

So much had happened since then. So many good things, but too much bad. Too many things were holding them back from one another.

She appeared then, from behing a building, looking so innocent and unaware.

You sighed as you began to walk across the empty street, a fake smile plastered on your young face.

There she stood. A friend. Someone who meant more to you than all of the world.

More than a friend?

But you knew it couldn't work; this love, this hope. You could feel it within and it ripped you apart.

She'd ran to you, her arms out-stretched, her dark hair streaming behind her. Why did she have to look so happy? Your heart continued to thud inside of your chest, as your fear began to build up once more.

She embraced you.

The scent of flowers and vanilla flooded your nostrils, so sweet, so perfect.

Her hot breath instantly warmed you, and for a moment, things happened in slow motion.

A kiss. Like the one two years before, when everything was new and there weren't any complications. A kiss the day after you'd first met. A kiss like the one shared between two people who are in love.

But those people weren't driven apart by two worlds. These were two girls glued together purely by soul.

She wouldn't understand why you'd felt this way in the end; why you were giving up on something so real, something so right. But it was what you had to do. You kept seeing your parents, hearing what they said when they'd found out. "Is this a joke? What you and ...her ...are doing is a sin! A sin!"

Your friends responses were similar. To then, what you two shared wasn't right.

Your thoughts were jumbled, feelings poured through your body. The decision that you had to make caused quick flutters deep inside, pushing and pulling at your emotions.

You would regret it for the rest of your life. This decision. This lie.

You removed yourself from her tenderness, looking at he face with your vivid blue eyes. You took in her beauty, inside and out; her pale white skin, strawberry lips, her giving, trusting heart.

Caressing her smale cheek for the last time, you lied, "I don't love you..." You turned and walked away, never to see her again.

Current Mood: guilty
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